Someone I dated once asked me something to the extent of why I always have to be perfect. I might have been tempted to take this as a compliment; after all, here was someone possibly acknowledging something in me that I must have been unknowingly attempting to project and this must mean that I was succeeding. Who wouldn’t want to be considered perfect?
The answer to this is possibly many people when you consider what perfection might require and that it’s practically impossible to achieve. The question directed at me wasn’t a compliment; there is context. At this time in my life, I let many comments slide by naively; this wasn’t a time of much productive self-reflection or conversation.
I may never really know what was meant – I didn’t ask. I can assume he meant what I, upon reflection, have been doing most of my life – trying to avoid making mistakes, always do everything perfectly, always be perfect. I have also never succeeded at this. I have made mistakes, made excuses for my mistakes, argued, artlessly believed I was right when I was wrong, hidden from my conscience, died of mortification, mentally beaten myself up more than anyone ever could beat me up – I won’t go on. Of course, I never really admit these things to anyone. There is hardly ever a reason.
Perhaps, this attempt at perfection has been the natural consequence of coming from an environment where, from a young age, there was screaming for doing anything considered “wrong”, without being taught the “right” thing in the first place. This is a practice that was possibly unconsciously inherited through generations, one which I hope will someday end with me (it takes a great deal of work to get there). Even then I attempted perfection – always the need to do no wrong, otherwise face the consequences. Of course, I can’t tell if this is truly the reason or the only reason. I might simply have been born with this need for perfection; it seems so much a part of me.
What I do know is that the need to never fail and always be perfect isn’t erased with just awareness of its existence and a desire to put an end to it, but that awareness and desire do help. I learned a long time ago to favor excellence over perfection. Yet, this is a lesson that necessitates constant reminding and, on any given day, I feel like there are so many lessons to remember already! Seriously, when does it end? (Never, is my understanding. Life is a classroom, I’m told. There are only extended holidays.)
The result? I continue to power my way to where I want to be with many understandings that are supposed to help: if it isn’t this lesson, it will be another (shudder), the harder the lesson, the better it is learned (yikes), anything worth having takes time and effort, and so on and so forth. Oh well, at least I get yet another lesson in patience.
At any rate, whereas perfection imprisons me, the thought of excellence lightens my spirit. For me, this is an important distinction. I remember young Ms. Frances “Baby” Houseman (Dirty Dancing) saying, “Me? I’m scared of everything”. I’m scared of doing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing, what people might think of my actions, and I’m scared of all this while often appearing as though I don’t actually care. Talk about a cage. To whom do I cry about it all?
You can take a serious trashing from society for doing and being wrong. Society often isn’t the wise and understanding teacher.
It doesn’t help that, like in my childhood, you can take a serious trashing from society for doing and being wrong. Society often isn’t the wise and understanding teacher. You blunder and you better have a strong support system in your personal life on which to lean while you learn your lesson. Unfortunately, not many of us do all the time. If you’re lucky, you learn ways of coping and knowing how to talk to yourself.
To that end, like most lessons in life, the battle with perfection isn’t completely novel. Many past greats have had their say about it. Salvador Dali, the renowned artist, proposed that you “have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it”. Leo Tolstoy writes that if you look for perfection, you’ll never be content. Winston Churchill also notes that perfectionism is the enemy of progress and that success is not final, failure is not final, that it is the courage to continue that counts.
The reality is I don’t need petrifying fear of failure preventing me from achieving my world of dreams; this is another thing with which one contends when seeking perfection. Attempts at flexibility, what I can only hope is excellence, self-forgiveness and awareness help and I continue to strive little by little towards my goals. I don’t have to be perfect. I am not perfect. What is perfection anyway?
Written by Samantha S Sukhraj